You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
