so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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