dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
