my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
