I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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