He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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