Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
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My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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