This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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