I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Found your dick twin last night
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
