i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
