the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
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im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
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I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize