The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
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Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
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I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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