I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
