Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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