someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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