I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
