Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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