mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
