so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
