I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
