I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
