i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's blow job season.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
