remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
