no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
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The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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