2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
