I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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