guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
