we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
