Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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