Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
