even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
