Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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