I just cut my nipple shaving
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
