ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
