youre lurking in front of me
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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