if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
