dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
