It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
