I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
