dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
