At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
