I smell stomach acid.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
