Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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