Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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