i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
