I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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