What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
