I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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