I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
