Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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