My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
