I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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