The maid of honor just puked.
It's Friday. Sex?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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