i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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