You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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